If being home alone with a newborn has left you feeling a little overwhelmed, stressed and unsure about what you are doing, you are NOT the only one. There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not failing at parenthood. New parents have rarely ever done this alone before. The problem is the current cultural structure that fails to support new parents in the USA, especially now.

Back in the day, folks grew up in a “village”. As a young child people regularly saw pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. Their mother may have had children when they were old enough to remember. Seeing pregnant bellies was a normal part of daily life. Labor was a community event for women. Young girls probably participated in keeping birth-givers company early in labor. When older, many probably had the opportunity to stay with a close friend or relative throughout active labor, and maybe even witnessed the birth of a baby.

I’ve always wondered why people feel entitled to touch a person’s belly when it is full of a baby, while it’s culturally taboo to touch it at any other time. -- No one would dream of touching my daughters’ bellies? Why does it seem OK to touch my pregnant belly?

Along the same lines.... Why is it acceptable to put fingers in a vagina of a pregnant person with no more than a “I’m going to check you now” – when in any other situation, you need permission? 

Why do we tolerate cutting the opening to a birthing person’s birth canal without asking for permission first, when no medical professional would ever cut a patient anywhere without a discussion of risks and benefits and obtaining true consent?

How can one sew up an episiotomy or a perineal tear without ensuring that this sensitive tissue is adequately numbed, when no medical professional would ever sew up a cut or tear anywhere on anyone’s body without adequate anesthetic and pain control?

Why when a person’s body is growing a new life inside, does that body suddenly lose its civil rights, its status as a human being?

Are you pregnant? Here’s what I want you to know:

You still own your body. Being pregnant does not change your right to bodily autonomy. (To read about this issue from a legal perspective, read The Nature and Significance of the Right to Bodily Integrity here. Full reference below.)

Nobody, not a doctor, midwife, nurse or friend… NOBODY has the right to touch you ANYWHERE without asking for and receiving your express permission. You have a right to deny anyone permission to touch you, and you have a right to change your mind and withdraw your permission after you have first given it.

With that in mind, I want to describe for you what a vaginal exam should look like, so that you can recognize when your rights are being respected.