When you’re expecting a baby, it’s exciting, and maybe a little bit scary, to think about parenting this new human together. What will you name the baby? When will you first take her/him out of the house? Where will s/he go to college….?

But before all of that, starting right now, it’s already time for a team approach.
I know that it’s common for the pregnant individual to take the lead, and often the partner feels the best approach during pregnancy is to step back and just say:

                      “Whatever you want Dear.”

However, there are already many important decisions to make well before your baby’s birthday, during pregnancy, and even during labor. And these decisions can impact all three of you in both the short and long term. What you decide may affect the birth-giver’s and the baby’s physical health, everyone’s emotional/mental health and the health of your relationship with each other and with the baby. How birth happens even impacts sexual health. Furthermore, memories of the birth experience, and how the people supporting you made you feel, last a lifetime (1).

So instead of assuming what you might call “traditional gender roles”, consider working as a collaborative team right from the start!

Why are we saying delivery when we mean birth?

Saying delivery turns our focus to the birth attendant rather than the birth-giver. But it’s the person who gives birth who does the lion’s share of the work; gestation, labor, birth and caring for the baby.

I believe we should recognize the birth-giver’s effort, power, and relationship to the baby by choosing to say BIRTH rather than delivery.

It is common to use the word delivery when talking about birth. We’ve done so for a long time; since Obstetricians were predominantly men, and birth-givers were always categorized as women. I’d like to make the case that this word choice is about the misattribution of power, often rooted in misogyny. Therefore, although I usually use gender-neutral language when talking about birth, in recognition of ALL people who have the capacity for pregnancy, please note my purposeful use of gendered language in this post.

I’ve always wondered why people feel entitled to touch a person’s belly when it is full of a baby, while it’s culturally taboo to touch it at any other time. -- No one would dream of touching my daughters’ bellies? Why does it seem OK to touch my pregnant belly?

Along the same lines.... Why is it acceptable to put fingers in a vagina of a pregnant person with no more than a “I’m going to check you now” – when in any other situation, you need permission? 

Why do we tolerate cutting the opening to a birthing person’s birth canal without asking for permission first, when no medical professional would ever cut a patient anywhere without a discussion of risks and benefits and obtaining true consent?

How can one sew up an episiotomy or a perineal tear without ensuring that this sensitive tissue is adequately numbed, when no medical professional would ever sew up a cut or tear anywhere on anyone’s body without adequate anesthetic and pain control?

Why when a person’s body is growing a new life inside, does that body suddenly lose its civil rights, its status as a human being?

Are you pregnant? Here’s what I want you to know:

You still own your body. Being pregnant does not change your right to bodily autonomy. (To read about this issue from a legal perspective, read The Nature and Significance of the Right to Bodily Integrity here. Full reference below.)

Nobody, not a doctor, midwife, nurse or friend… NOBODY has the right to touch you ANYWHERE without asking for and receiving your express permission. You have a right to deny anyone permission to touch you, and you have a right to change your mind and withdraw your permission after you have first given it.

With that in mind, I want to describe for you what a vaginal exam should look like, so that you can recognize when your rights are being respected.